ENTRIES

RECORD OF AWAKENINGS

MARCH 30, 2024

i want to spend eternity with you.


APRIL 3, 2024

lately it feels like time has been moving faster than
usual. or better said, it feels like evolutions in emotions and sentiments
of mine have been occurring faster than usual, my views and
thoughts becoming more extreme and solidified as time
goes by. to be honest, i don’t know exactly where i am, and there is more than one
way that that statement applies to me. i feel like a pot of scolding water on the verge of boiling
over… so dangerously close to spilling over.. and what that may cause is yet
to be seen and most likely a hazard, to myself. i keep hurting myself. i’m afraid of my currently unknown
capacity for pain and misery and anger. each time it gets exponentially worse
and worse. my soul is in deep suffering and dis-belonging. i have done
quite a good job at keeping all of the explosive energy
inside of me but every time… worse and worse. and worse. like a new
channel of emotion inside me opens and more anger and frustration and
sadness fills it. there are no adequate words to describe
the feeling. the wound is so fucking deep, and every day and every
night something twists a knife into the wound deeper and deeper, playing
with the blood and torturing me for… what? for what? to learn a lesson? karma?
why does it have to be this way? i ask… but i know that the
answer to that question is that, it just has to be this way.

APRIL 6, 2024

disillusionment clouds my senses day after day; the nights
are even worse. i can’t help this feeling that takes over
me — that i live in a world of puppets, so quick to please their
maker and so quick to dedicate their lives to fitting in. somehow, for
them, it is far, far easier to play the game than it is for
me. it seems like everybody has mastered the game while i struggle just to stay on the
board. but no, fuck no, i refuse to do this anymore. soon, i will
no longer play this game, i will no longer sit on the board. this pathetic
fucking game where i am just a pawn, or less. i never
should’ve been here in the first place.
this reality isn’t mine. nothing here feels like it belongs to
me, not even my home. all i have are the strange memories
i’ve attached to places in a reality not made for me. all i have are my never ending
thoughts. nothing in this world has ever held onto me, even with me having clung
to them with all my might. all i have is myself
here... barely. just barely.

APRIL 9, 2024

i wish i could just hide myself away from any and all who know me. i
wish i could hide myself out of sheer embarrassment
of the person that i am; just an incomplete, pointless, disappointing being who
doesn’t belong even in the slightest. one who is granted nothing but
scraps and the worst and last option of every situation, dealt
the worst hands. it seems i’ve thought my way out of the safe
limits of human thought and into territory that brings emptiness and misery. and
here i thought that thinking this far would create an enlightened
being who was not afraid of the Everything... all it’s done is
create somebody who can no longer function in a life suited only for
those who stay within the safe limits of thought. it created somebody
who craves and craves and desires escape yet fears everything from the
trivialities to the most important aspects of the universe. constantly shying
away. can’t do anything right. don’t want to do anything right.

i can’t even begin to explain to you how difficult it is to live with myself, to
possess this mind. just constant paradoxes and cognitive dissonance
and layer upon layer upon layer of issues that seemingly
cannot be solved without giving up some sort of integrity. not
fair not fair not fair to have to live like this!!!!! it’s
not fucking fair to have to be alive like this. it’s too
late to go back to ever living a simple life, nor would i even
want to. there is no way to think backwards, it’s already done. fate
decided to give me this life full of these non-human feelings and thoughts
and should expect nothing less than self destruction. what more
could you possibly fucking expect - you give me this life
and you want me to keep going? to keep living in this society that i’ve
already figured out and that i hate with all my heart?
you expect me to stay?
lol that would be too easy, now wouldn't it?

APRIL 10, 2024

i wish i could distance myself from everybody in this fucking world, as
far away as possible from this poison that is the
human race. i can’t stand anybody that surrounds me, i don’t wanna
hear anymore human’s voices, only about 10 of them or less that i can stand
to be around, but only one voice i truly want to hear every day
and yet i can’t... life is merciless and i will always question why this universe decided
to create humans.. we are a tragic, pathetic story
in the making, and i feel like the only one who sees it. i feel above everybody
else, i feel like the only one who isn’t blind to everything. it’s
a lonely, lonely fucking world to think the way i do and to
know the things that i know.
but hey, "it'll be okay one day". yeah the fuck right

APRIL 12, 2024

KEIN MITLEID
"when in doubt, confuse the hell out the enemy"
wait mercy doesnt exist....


APRIL 13, 2024

maybe the problem was that i felt i owed something to the world, and
then no matter what i did it just didn't seem like enough.
i would do nothing and consequently i would feel horrible about myself. and
then i started realizing that maybe it wasn't me
that owed this world something, it was the world that owed something to me.
for all the shit i have been through, for everything i felt that
i never imagined it would be possible to feel, maybe the world
owed me some fucking compensation for making me feel like the
loneliest person to ever live.
i completley understand that sounds self centered... but why?
why should we be forced to live in something so awful.
it's extremley difficult to imagine that there are people that consistently enjoy life
if we were created to be some spectaular being, more sentient than any other life form
why is being sentient and realizing that the world is some miserable game
such an improper and absurd thought?
i thought i could change the world when i was young
do something with my life
but as i matured, the only thing i realized was
we all run around waiting to die.

APRIL 15, 2024

i am not meant for this.
my entire existance is miserable. i am a miserable human being
i am trapped in this world with this mind that doesn't fit.
i know i messed up, but goddamn it, i have paid for my mistakes
extensively. i hate myself. i hate everything about me.
but you people don't make it any easier.
there is no way i will ever live normally after what happened.
so there you go, you win. i give up.
i don't belong here. i can't continue to go on.
my hopes, my dreams, my entire will to live is gone.
destroyed.
this has affected not only my family, but the one person i love most of all.
so, are you happy? did this make your day?
i'm down. i fucking hate everything and don't want to live
is that what you wanted?? was that your fucking goal?!
you people are so disgusting. it's sickening to look at you.
you think you're cool? you incompitent fucking morons ... you did it, you pathetic fuckers
so harass me. show my mistakes to people. continue on.
i'm done.
this life, i cannot do it anymore.

APRIL 16, 2024

i look at people who do awful things.
evil, unbelievable, godless atrocities.
i never understood how someone could do such a thing
how you could break so many hearts, hurt so many people.
i began to experience the other side- the people who get pushed into those things.
those people aren't evil. they are suffering. they are miserable.
they are full of not hate, but resentment.
of course taking it that far, to those extreme lengths, it seems incomprehensible.
but everyone hits a breaking point. everyone boils over some time.
going through constant bullying and harassment from people that are supposed to be your friends
your classmates, your teachers, your principals. those people are supposed to support you
and/or respect you. but nobody hears your cries.
the adults that chose a career in this field won't fucking listen.
the people around you never stop opressing you.
where do you turn?
it's a joke to everyone, right?
until it's real.
until they've fucked theirselves.

MAY 8, 2024

i hate you.
you ruined my fucking life.
you pushed me over the edge... and i didn't understand the consequences then.
i didn't even think about the consequences of those consequences.
but as i am sitting here as a 16 year old who has no social life, can't go to school, can't go to college
can't get a fucking job... i hate you.
i wonder what i could've been if you weren't the way you are.
you got to win and my fucking future paid for it.
you are a godless human being. you are evil. you deserve to fucking suffer the way i am.
i hope your life brings you endless pain. you used to cry about that one boy who didn't love you back
THAT was the worst of your problems.
he didn't love you because you're a disgusting and pathetic human.
you are a disgrace to the fucking world.

JUNE 14, 2024

i am fucking devastated. absolutley destroyed.
everything i thought i knew... a lie.
i trusted you.
i gave you everything i had in me.
and YOU fucking took advantage of that.
you took advantage of my loyalty. of my love and care. of me!
i loved you. and god, i still do and i am so fucking stupid for it.
i am not enough for you. it's been proven time and time again and yet, i still try.
i don't know how much longer i can keep going.
there's nothing left to say. i can either keep complaining or do something about this.
i always knew i wasn't enough. and i now have more than sufficient evidence to back that up.
so keep hurting me. but god knows i will never ever give up on this.
even when you say i'm too much. overbearing. whatever word you'd like to use.
it doesn't matter. the point is i am not meant for this type of life.
i tried so hard to be what you all wanted me to be and it never worked.
i always fell behind. i was two steps back
too awkward. not pretty enough. desperate. irrational. socially inept.
overbearing. a burden. too much. not enough. do this but don't do that
be this way, don't be like that, change this, don't say that.
goddamn!!!
what do you fucking want from me?!?!?!?!?
oh thats's right, i'm not your friends.
they are just so fuckin special. you share such CLOSE bonds with those whores! DON'T YOU?!
what about our bond? what about us? nope nope. i didn't get that love and affection.
i didn't get to be the one who "saved your life" NOPE!
i was just the girl you dated for 8 months. the one you had all of your firsts with.
the one who stood by you through everything. the one who stood up for you.
the one who held you when you cried. the one who you confided in.
the one that cleaned your fucking self harm.
somehow that isn't enough for you.
somehow you still lied.
and somehow i'm supposed to get over it.
i'll force myself. because i love you.
somehow.